Week 2

A small confession

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It's Week 2 of 'A View from Row Z', your uninformed take on the various happenings in the Dali's Salvadors Bowl Fantasy League. Before anything else, an apology, which I appreciate goes against everything my Never Apologise. Never Explain. sign off stands for.

Some of you have been in touch. Politely, which somehow made it worse. The gist was that you still enjoy these, but somewhere between the draft and Week 1 this stopped being a newsletter about ten friends trying to be decent at fantasy football and became a spreadsheet that had learned to type. Efficiency percentages. Median margins of victory. An entire section called "Numbers that have no business being true", and a fair few of those numbers had no business being in the post at all.

Guilty. The new site went up, the two page limit came off, and I did what any man does with a new toy and nobody to stop him. I overdid it.

And I know exactly who to blame. The weather. This summer has been relentlessly sunny, which is not something this country was built for, and it has fried my brain. Weeks of blue sky and one too many lagers in the sunshine have burnt the pessimism clean out of me. A British man needs a bit of drizzle to stay sarcastic. Take away the grey sky and the moaning and all you are left with is a man holding a cold pint and a spreadsheet. It's probably an ick.

As Brian Fantana said of Sex Panther, "They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time." Andy has clearly taken that as a coaching manual. His Week 1 line up worked 83.1% of the time and won anyway. This week it worked 81.2% of the time and he lost by 43pts. Ron Burgundy's verdict was "That doesn't make any sense", which is also a fair review of most of the numbers I put in front of you last week. So normal service resumes. Fewer decimal points, more abuse.

The forecast says rain by Sunday. Thank God. Let's go.

Top stats, Week 2

Highest scoring team

Guillotine Swordz173.76pts

Lowest scoring team

A Tadd McShonkey74.69pts

Highest bench score

OnlyRams52.3pts

Top rostered player

Jaxon Smith-Njigba45.5pts

Closest game

Shedeurs Support Group v Clapton Catz0.52pts

Biggest blowout

Guillotine Swordz v A Tadd McShonkey99.07pts

Three shoppers, one winner

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Three of us went near the waiver wire after Week 1. Rich and I both claimed Jalen Coker, the man I recommended to you all last week, and Dali got him. I picked up a new Kicker, then Devaughn Vele, a man I told you nobody in this league had gone near, then Dallas Goedert. I will come back to that, although I would rather not. The other seven of you did nothing. Aaron Donald came out of retirement on Monday night, so at least somebody in football made an effort.

Week 2: Shedeurs Support Group - W (116.57) 1-1 // Clapton Catz - L (116.05) 1-1

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This is pretty new for you Reece. Your history dictates that you are the man who loses by a point and hears about it until Christmas. This week you won by 0.52pts, and you did it with Puka (0.0pts) left stranded in your starting line up. You had all weekend to make one change, but it's quite on brand for you to miss it. Hope Buenos Aires was fun! Parker Washington (15.8pts), a Jaguar, obviously, sat on your bench and would have made the win comfortable. Josh Allen (39.82pts) and the Patriots Defence (24.75pts) bailed you out. Finally, the fixture list is on your side. Enjoy it. It won't last.

Zan, you unlucky bastard. Lost by half a point with Brock Purdy (28.48pts) STILL on your bench. I guess it's difficult to pick between Lamar (14.8pts) and Brock. Two weeks running you have picked wrong. The much hyped Rams Defence (13.75pts) made a welcome Week 2 recovery, with Aaron Donald football fit and firmly out of retirement. The Defence you spent pick 87 on delivered, but your star QB was sat on the bench. The Silent Sniper, shot by his own settings. Start Purdy, Zan. Start. Purdy.

You picked a wide receiver who went backwards.

Week 2: Guillotine Swordz - W (173.76) 2-0 // A Tadd McShonkey - L (74.69) 1-1

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It's been a strong start for our new American friend. Two weeks in the league and you are top of it. Highest score of the season so far, and your line up was perfect. Every starter was the right starter. Nobody in this league does that. Ja'Marr Chase (26.5pts) has been forgiven for Week 1 and Travis Kelce (25.1pts) remembered he is Travis Kelce. My guy Dak Prescott (29.76pts) even joined the party and piled on the misery. We welcomed you to the league last week. Now I am full of regret, because you are making the rest of us look even worse than we are. Especially Rich, but that's a good thing.

Richard, Richard, Richard. Where do I start? Last week you topped the league and this week you lost by 99.07pts, the biggest defeat of the season (so far), a margin that would have beaten your own score. Sticking with the stats for a moment (sorry, it's worth it), it's the second heaviest defeat of your (Sleeper) life. The heaviest came in 2024, from a Dali who was 1-12 at the time. This week's 74.69pts is the lowest score you have ever posted. Catastrophic. Truly. The Lions visited the Bills' new stadium and in a game where everyone seemed to come out with points, your man, D.J. (Damn. Joke) Moore (-0.1pts) was not thrown to once. However, he did carry the ball for a brief moment. For minus one yard. You picked a wide receiver who went backwards. Your bench held three more receivers who scored nothing between them: A.J. Brown on injured reserve, Zay Flowers ruled out and Marvin Harrison Jr., who played the whole game against Seattle and did not catch a ball. I have written this paragraph with great sadness. Great, great sadness. And next week you play me.

I didn't realise we were watching the Premier League.

Week 2: Breece Lightning - W (148.16) 1-1 // Dali's Salvadors - L (102.57) 0-2

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The reigning Shit King is off the mark. CeeDee Lamb (35.3pts) and Stefon Diggs (21.7pts) turned up, and Brandon Aubrey (22.0pts) kicked more points than Jalen Hurts (16.16pts) scored. Malik Nabers (1.1pts) hurt his shoulder in the first quarter on Monday night, and the rest of the evening was in Jameis Winston's hands anyway. One catch, one yard. Only time will tell, Mike, but maybe you can shake off that Shit King moniker this season.

Oh Dali, 0-2. We have been here before, haven't we? You know better than anyone how long these can run. Caleb Williams (6.72pts) went from the best player in football in Week 1 to a man being carted off in the fourth quarter against the Vikings. He scrambled left, pulled up, went down screaming and writhing like he had been on the short end of a Roy Keane special. I did wonder for a moment whether we would see him on the field again this season. The MRI says a hamstring strain. No tear. Week to week. I didn't realise we were watching the Premier League. Meanwhile Bryce Young, your neat waiver pickup, threw three touchdowns on your bench (24.08pts). You bought him and left him in the box. You did beat Rich and me to Jalen Coker (14.6pts), so I'll give you that. Last week I said I thought you'd be fine. This week I kept my mouth shut.

Week 2: trips right 62 all go - W (122.23) 2-0 // Game Of Throws - L (79.23) 1-1

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Jen, 2-0 and second in the league, with a team that had no Kicker a fortnight ago. Amon-Ra St. Brown (35.2pts) did most of the work. Kyren Williams (14.7pts) scored a touchdown for my Rams on Monday night, which I have decided to take as a kindness. And Patrick Mahomes (28.98pts) threw for 382 yards and three touchdowns from your bench, again, while Joe Burrow (16.18pts) started, again. Two weeks, two wins, and I still don't think you know who your quarterback is. Neither does Patrick.

Andy, I warned you about Jen. You went in with three injuries and it went about as well as that sounds. Justin Herbert (4.88pts) threw two interceptions against the Raiders and Saquon Barkley (3.0pts) carried the ball four times. Brock Bowers (0.0pts) is still recovering from having his knee tidied up. You started Luther Burden (6.2pts) and benched Tetairoa McMillan (15.1pts). Last week every decision you got wrong came good. This week they just stayed wrong. As always, beating Andy hits different. I am sure Jen is enjoying it just as much as the rest of us.

He even left a yard in it.

Week 2: Multiple Goregasms - W (141.32) 1-1 // OnlyRams - L (137.08) 0-2

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Besty, as Yazz promised, the only way was up. From the worst line up in the league to one that was nearly perfect. You started Colston Loveland (1.3pts) again, which shows loyalty if not judgement, and you benched Jaxson Dart (0.8pts) exactly one week late. Christian McCaffrey (22.6pts) and Chris Olave (22.6pts) were solid. Kyle Pitts (2.5pts) stayed on your bench, the only place he has ever been any use to anyone. But none of that is why you won, and we both know it.

Going into Monday night I was 35.26pts ahead with one of your players left to play. One. Davante Adams, a 33-year-old whose best game all of last season was 26.5pts. I went to bed thinking I had enough distance to cover anything insane. I woke up to 39.5pts. As the great John McEnroe said, "You cannot be serious!"

In 2020 Davante Adams was the best receiver in fantasy football. He averaged 25.7pts a game in our scoring, the rest of us were in and out of lockdown killing sourdough starters, and one October afternoon he took 196 yards off Houston. On Monday he took 195 off the Giants. There is only one explanation. Somebody at the Rams has built a time machine, parked it in the tunnel at SoFi and sent him back for the evening. He even left a yard in it.

It gets worse. He plays for the Rams. The team I support. The team I named my fantasy team after. The Rams won 28-6 and I lost. Both of his touchdowns were thrown by Matthew Stafford, who I released on Wednesday to acquire Dallas Goedert (1.4pts). Jen dropped Goedert in Week 1 and he scored two touchdowns. I picked him up and he caught one ball for four yards. Harold Fannin (10.4pts) sat on my bench. Start him and I win. The best player in the league, Jaxon Smith-Njigba (45.5pts), the biggest bench in the league, and I am 0-2. Which is, and I say this as your Commissioner, absolutely and tremendously annoying. A complete clusterfuck of a week. Onwards.

The medical department

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Same disclaimer as last week. I am not a doctor and neither is anyone at Sleeper.

Jaxson Dart hurt his left knee on the opening drive on Monday night and did not come back. He is Besty's, and for once Besty had him on the bench, so his timing is improving.

Puka Nacua has a hip problem (who's to say how it happened) and was inactive. He is Reece's. Reece started him. Of course he did.

Brock Bowers had his meniscus trimmed on 8 September and sat out again. He is expected to make his season debut in New Orleans this weekend. He is Andy's. Still Andy's.

A.J. Brown is on injured reserve. He is Rich's. Zay Flowers missed the game with his hamstring. Also Rich's.

Get well soon, all of you. Especially you, Caleb. Take your time. Lie down. Stay down if you like.

Some quarterbacks have a favourite receiver. Jameis has a favourite cornerback.

Players to avoid, possibly

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With Dart's knee being looked at, someone in this league is going to see Jameis Winston on the waiver wire and think, could I? Should I? Let me stop you there.

Jameis came in cold after the opening drive on Monday, completed one of his first six passes for one yard, and finished 11 of 27 for 111 yards, no touchdowns and an interception in the end zone. The man who caught it was Trent McDuffie. In December 2024 Jameis threw Trent McDuffie his first ever NFL interception, when McDuffie was at the Chiefs. This was McDuffie's first as a Ram. Some quarterbacks have a favourite receiver. Jameis has a favourite cornerback.

At one point he had Isaiah Likely, Dali's tight end, wide open over the middle, and threw deep to a rookie called Malachi Fields instead. Should've gone to Specsavers, as they say.

A forgettable performance that nobody will forget. Least of all Trent McDuffie.

Stats from the Overlord

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The headline numbers are below. For the full breakdown, the nerds can head to the insights page. Everyone else, carry on.

Standings

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A look ahead

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Week 3 gives me Rich. The battle of the Commissioners. Fresh from a hundred point hiding, he gets his co-Commissioner, who has not won a game. One of us is going to be very quiet in the group chat next week, and it needs to be him. Eric plays Mike, Dali gets Reece the ghost, Jen plays Zan and Andy plays Besty.

In the real world, the Ravens play the Cowboys in Rio on Sunday, so Lamar and Derrick Henry against Dak, CeeDee and George Pickens in Brazil. We tried the long-haul thing in Melbourne. Ask Zan how that went. The Rams go to Denver on Sunday night, where Davante Adams is free to ruin somebody else's week. And on Monday night the Eagles go to Chicago, so my Eagles Defence gets Caleb's hamstring. If he goes down again, I want a yellow card for simulation.

The waiver wire

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According to Sleeper, our available top picks on the waivers include:

Tyler Shough - QB

Emanuel Wilson - RB

Tre Tucker - WR

Darren Waller - TE

Chase McLaughlin - K

Minnesota Vikings - DEF

On a side note, Matthew Stafford is available too. Somebody in this league dropped him last Wednesday. I won't say who.

Never Apologise. Never Explain. Unless of course you got too excited about statistics and forgot that this is all about giving some shit to your friends. Let's Go.