Week 3

Give me oil in my lamp

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It's Week 3 of 'A View from Row Z', your uninformed take on the various happenings in the Dali's Salvadors Bowl Fantasy League. The two unbeaten teams stayed unbeaten, and I found religion for the first time since belting out such bangers as 'Shine Jesus Shine' and 'Give Me Oil in My Lamp (Sing Hosanna)' at primary school in the mid-90s. It didn't last. The Eagles DEF did not soar. Rich is happy. That doesn't mean I have to love thy neighbour.

Top stats, Week 3

Highest scoring team

trips right 62 all go141.84pts

Lowest scoring team

Breece Lightning75.97pts

Highest bench score

Clapton Catz69.58pts

Top rostered player

Jahmyr Gibbs41.4pts

Closest game

A Tadd McShonkey v OnlyRams9.84pts

Biggest blowout

Guillotine Swordz v Breece Lightning59.07pts

Free advice

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Last week three of us went shopping. This week it was the Boxing Day sales, and I couldn't help noticing where you all shopped. Andy took Tyler Shough. Rich took Tre Tucker. Eric took Chase McLaughlin. Jen took Emanuel Wilson and the Vikings Defence. Five of the six names on last week's Row Z waiver list were on somebody's roster by Sunday, and four of this week's five winners started one of them. The only person in the league who took none of the advice was the writer. Darren Waller is still out there if anyone fancies completing the set.

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Week 3: trips right 62 all go - W (141.84) 3-0 // Clapton Catz - L (118.64) 1-2

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Jen, 3-0 and the highest score of the week. You took the Vikings Defence (21.0pts) straight off last week's waiver list, and it was the best Defence in the league. You're welcome. George Kittle (26.2pts) carried most of the rest. I have looked for something to have a go at and there isn't much. You're joint top of the league and next week you get Dali, who has just remembered how to win. Best of luck.

Zan. I asked nicely. I even used full stops. Start. Purdy. You started Lamar (20.44pts) again, and Brock Purdy (32.28pts) threw four touchdowns on your bench, for the third week running. I did the maths. The right line up would have beaten Jen by 0.54pts. Last week you lost to Reece by 0.52pts. The Silent Sniper is losing fixtures by the width of his own bench, and doing it very quietly. If Purdy asks for a trade, I'll happily take him off your hands. Make me an offer, Zan!

The model holds. The science is settled.

Week 3: Dali's Salvadors - W (133.09) 1-2 // Shedeurs Support Group - L (93.56) 1-2

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Dali is off the mark. Finally. Jahmyr Gibbs (41.4pts) was the best player in the league and did most of the heavy lifting. Caleb Williams (0.0pts) sat on your bench with his hamstring issue, and I'll get to his replacement when I'm ready. I know you enjoyed it. On Friday I told Rich I was going to be this season's Dali, in honour of the man who was once 1-12. Then you went and won, and I didn't. I'm now more Daly than Dali. I said nothing about you last week and you won, so this week I'll say nothing again. Starting now.

Reece, twice is a pattern. Puka Nacua (0.0pts) was listed doubtful on Friday, ruled out for Sunday night and sat in your starting line up for the second week running. Last we heard you were in Buenos Aires, and it's been crickets since. I think you're ghosting us. And your team. You started the Patriots (0.0pts) against Jacksonville, who put up 35. Not great. Remember last season's model, where the more Jags you start the more Jacksonville lose? This week your only Jaguar was the Kicker, Cam Little (4.0pts), and Jacksonville won by 29. Kickers don't count. The model holds. The science is settled. At least we know where you'll be next. The Jags play the Eagles at Tottenham in Week 5 and the Texans at Wembley a week later, and you'll be covering both, which is more than you've done for your line up.

A Wick, and no oil in the lamp.

Week 3: Game Of Throws - W (126.7) 2-1 // Multiple Goregasms - L (109.91) 1-2

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Andy, you picked up Tyler Shough (21.8pts) straight off my list and sent him to play the Raiders, where Brock Bowers (27.6pts) was making his season debut. Your quarterback against your tight end, and you won on both fronts. You also put in a waiver claim to swap Luther Burden for Dontayvion Wicks (5.2pts), great name. On Monday night Burden caught a touchdown against Wicks's Eagles, and the only time anybody looked for Wicks in the end zone, Andy Dalton threw it to a Bear. A Wick, and no oil in the lamp. 2-1, and I can't figure out how you're doing it.

Besty, last week I said Kyle Pitts was only any use on your bench. You read it and, much like Zan, ignored it. One catch. Five yards. 1.5pts. Then the quarterback. You started Drake Maye (1.76pts), who threw two interceptions, lost a fumble and was benched for Tommy DeVito. Tommy DeVito, Besty. His career best was 22.54pts, Week 11 of 2023, against the Commanders, back when he was a Giant. Davante Adams (20.7pts) was just good(ish) this week, so it turns out the time machine only works against me. Are we seeing signs of Besty's alter ego, Betsy? It's a slippery slope.

Week 3: Guillotine Swordz - W (135.04) 3-0 // Breece Lightning - L (75.97) 1-2

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Yes, yes Eric, you're 3-0. Ja'Marr Chase (24.8pts) and Kenneth Walker (21.3pts) did the work, Matthew Golden (21.0pts) had his evening on Thursday night, and your Kicker came off my waiver list. Another comfortable win. I'll come back to you. We need to talk.

Mike, the Shit King crown was slipping last week. This week you picked it back up and gave it a polish. Lowest score of the week, biggest defeat of the week. De'Von Achane (1.7pts) went down on a first quarter run against the Chiefs and the news since is the worst kind. Torn ACL, season over. No jokes about that one. Jalen Hurts (12.62pts) was part of Monday night's disaster in Chicago, so at least we can grieve together. Next week you get me, and between us we have one win.

I'm starting to think the problem is sleep.

Week 3: A Tadd McShonkey - W (135.36) 2-1 // OnlyRams - L (125.52) 0-3

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The battle of the Commissioners, and I have to be careful here because you did come away with the win. So, let's look at how. On Wednesday you released Jayden Daniels, a quarterback the Commanders won't even put on injured reserve, to pick up Drew Lock, because Lock had thrown three touchdowns while Sam Darnold nursed his glute. On Friday Darnold came off the injury report, so you released Drew Lock and picked up Sam Darnold (27.66pts), who threw four. Two quarterbacks in the bin inside two days, and you get rewarded for it. Bijan Robinson (35.3pts) went off on Thursday night, and on Friday morning you sent me a screenshot of his score with a circle drawn round it. Appreciated, I hadn't noticed.

Tre Tucker (8.3pts), a man you found on my waiver list, started against me. Last week you had the worst afternoon of your Sleeper life. This week, with a roster held together by Sellotape and a free agent you found on a Friday, you beat me. I'm not sure which is more catastrophic. For me it's this one.

Now me. Jaxon Smith-Njigba (35.36pts) was brilliant again. The rest is a confession. In Week 1 I started Harold Fannin and he scored 4.1pts. Obviously he's been benched since, and his points tally just keeps getting better. This week he caught two touchdowns for 24.1pts, while Dalton Schultz (6.0pts), after one big week for Houston, started in his place. Start Fannin and I win. Again. It didn't have to matter, but by Monday night Rich's lot were all done on 135.36pts. I was on 123.52pts with one chance left, the Eagles Defence (2.0pts), away at Chicago.

Step up Keenum

Caleb was out. Tyson Bagent had only just cleared concussion protocol. So, the Bears went to their third choice, Case Keenum, 38 years old and making his first start since Christmas Eve 2023. I needed 11.85pts. That's all. I sent Rich "Praying for the Eagles DEF this eve" and went to bed.

Keenum completed 24 of 34, threw two touchdowns, wasn't sacked, and ran in the third himself, which makes him the oldest man in Bears history to score a rushing touchdown. The Eagles forced no turnovers. It finished 27-7. No Hosanna. I sent Rich two words, "Prayers unanswered". This morning he replied with one. "Hallelujah."

Some people get a case of the Mondays. I got a Case of the Keenums.

That's two weeks running I've gone to bed with a chance and woken up to a disaster. I'm starting to think the problem is sleep.

0-3, with the third most points in the league. As your Commissioner I have checked whether there is a rule against that. There isn't. I looked twice. And so, I march on, with work to do.

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Eric, and the American cheat code

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Eric joined this league three weeks ago. I invited him, so everything that follows is my fault. He is currently top, he has scored more points than anyone and he hasn't lost. So, I asked myself whether there is some sort of American cheat code the rest of us don't know about.

It isn't luck. If every one of us played everybody else every week, Eric would be 23-4. The only person close is Jen, and she has started the wrong quarterback in all three weeks and won all three, which is a different kind of cheat code altogether.

He doesn't tinker either. One transaction all season, a Kicker, off the Row Z waiver list. The rest of us have spent three weeks swapping quarterbacks we don't need for quarterbacks we can't use.

Then there's New York. NFL teams name their inactives ninety minutes before kick-off, which for Sunday Night Football is ten to midnight here and ten to seven for Eric. Monday Night Football is his dinner. He watches it with his eyes open, while the rest of us are tucked up in bed.

And there's the day job. Eric works for Warner Music, which is how Dali and I know him. A man who has spent his career shipping hit records knows one when he sees it on a draft board.

So yes, there is a cheat code. Set the line up, leave it alone and go to bed. In this league, that counts as cheating apparently.

The medical department

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Same disclaimer as always. I'm not a doctor and neither is anyone at Sleeper.

De'Von Achane tore his ACL on a first quarter run against the Chiefs. His season is over. He is Mike's. Seriously bad luck there.

Poor old Caleb Williams missed Monday night with his hamstring.

Puka Nacua has a hip problem. Or a psoas problem, depending on which Rams press conference you caught. He was listed doubtful on Friday and inactive on Sunday night. Reece will almost certainly start him again.

Nico Collins has a hamstring issue and was ruled out on Friday. He is Dali's. He was on the bench, which is progress.

Jayden Daniels dislocated his elbow against Dallas and is week to week. He was Rich's. He is now nobody's.

Drake Maye is not injured. Nothing is physically wrong with him at all. Besty started him anyway.

Get well soon, all of you. Caleb, last week I told you to take your time. I didn't mean let Case Keenum do your job instead.

• • •

Stats from the Overlord

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The headline numbers are below. For everything else, the nerds can head to the insights page. Everyone else, carry on.

Standings

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A look ahead

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Week 4 gives me Mike. Ninth against tenth. Eric plays Reece, which means Reece has until Friday to check Puka's status, and he won't. Jen plays Dali, Rich plays Besty and Andy plays Zan.

In the real world the Colts play the Commanders in London on Sunday afternoon. So, Dali, you'll be busy dishing out tickets to celebrities and making sure everyone has a good view. Good luck, I know it's a mad few weeks for you. Your Bears host Mike's Jets later that evening, so at least there's something to look forward to after work. And on Sunday evening Rich's Chargers go to Seattle, which puts Jen and Zan on the same side a week after Jen beat him. I'll be hoping for a win in any form. Again.

The waiver wire

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According to Sleeper, our available top picks on the waivers include:

Kirk Cousins - QB

Ollie Gordon II - RB

Tyreek Hill - WR

Kenyon Sadiq - TE

Spencer Shrader - K

Las Vegas Raiders - DEF

Tyreek Hill doesn't currently have a team. By his own account he is on his couch, watching the Chiefs closely...

Never Apologise. Never Explain. Let's Go!