Week 0 - Post-Draft

Well. That happened

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One hundred and forty picks in a staggeringly quick forty-four minutes. Either we have all become elite talent evaluators this off-season, or dinner was ready at seven and we were hungry.

Reece logged in, set his draft to autopick, closed the app and, let's be honest here, absolutely smashed it. Not narrowly either. Best value per pick in the league, no holes anywhere on the roster and at no point did the algorithm panic and take a Kicker in round 10. Mike 👀.

A damning assessment of nine humans who have spent some minutes listening to podcasts, reading news and mock drafting, against one piece of software that was as laser focused as the Terminator. The machines won. Did we really stand a chance?

In other news, Jen finally named her team. Seven seasons of just a username, and she has landed on the extremely catchy trips right 62 all go. It is a play call. Probably a special teams play call, because her special little team does not have a -K or a -DEF in it.

If you want to nerd out, the full board is on the draft page. Otherwise, stick with me.

The headlines, as promised

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The first quarterback went to Reece, Josh Allen at 26.

The earliest -DEF goes to Zan, clearly inspired by the Week -1 post, who looked at the embarrassment of riches in the Rams DEF and pulled the trigger at pick 87.

Best draft grade: Reece, who was not there.

The first coach to draft somebody already injured is Eric, with his third pick. Ja'Marr Chase had hyperextended a knee ten days earlier. He has since returned to practice and is expected to play, so this kinda feels a little pointless.

The panic pick goes to Mike, taking Cowboys K Brandon Aubrey at 92. More on this later.

Best draft grade, Reece, who was not there. Worst draft grade, Jen, who was.

The first coach to blame Sleeper is Rich, who picked KC Concepcion out of turn in round 13, noticed, retracted it before Dali had taken his pick, and then explained at some length that the app should not have let him do it. The app did not make him do it either. Smooth.

The "I was taking him next" award and the first coach to say "oh fuck" out loud both go to me, and I would like it on record that I did not want either. Trey McBride went at 19. I had a -TE pencilled in for round 3 and Brock Bowers in my sights. Andy STOLE HIM FROM ME at 24. I picked at 25. I ended up with Harold Fannin at 56. *sigh*

The grades

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Ten coaches, best to worst. The full working, and what every column actually means, is on the draft page.

Reece got top marks. The one-time Shit King and last year's Jags-loving whipping boy has found a cheat code, and that code is apathy.

Dali has the highest projected lineup in the league and built it by reaching on almost every single pick. Sam LaPorta sixty-six picks early. Isaiah Likely fifty-six early. He was right often enough that it worked, which is the most annoying possible outcome.

Andy STOLE Bowers one pick ahead of me and was quietly excellent thereafter. I will be looking for reasons to dislike this all season.

A team with the personality of a piece of wood, and it is probably going to beat you.

Besty drafted from fourteen different teams. No duplicates, no injury flags, nothing to laugh at. He has assembled a team with the personality of a piece of wood and it is probably going to beat you.

Eric finished almost bang on ADP across fourteen picks, the most disciplined draft by a mile. He took the player the market told him to take, with minimal fuss, and has ended up with the highest injury exposure. Safe drafting, unsafe team.

Zan took Lamar Jackson twenty-nine picks early in a league where quarterbacks were still going deep into the late rounds. Then he took Brock Purdy at 114 anyway. Two picks spent solving a problem he had already solved. Smart stuff.

He finished the draft with a roster that could not legally take the field.

Rich picked six running backs and no Kicker. He finished the draft with a roster that could not legally take the field. In fairness he did rectify this at 18:50, roughly four minutes after the whistle, and dropped his thirteenth pick for Tyler Loop. Then he slept on it and swapped the Minnesota DEF for the Chargers, which on the projections has made his team slightly worse. Twenty-five years I have known this man and he still finds ways to surprise me.

Twenty-five years I have known this man and he still finds ways to surprise me.

I was bang average. Almost every pick I made landed within a few slots of its average draft position and not one of them beat it. I lost Bowers by a single pick and never recovered the plan. Four of my nine starters are on bye in Week 11, which is a problem for a future version of me who will be just as unprepared.

Mike needs a section. So does Jen.

Mike, and the pick

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Mike drafted Josh Jacobs at pick 32. A man on the Commissioner's Exempt List. He is not injured. He is not suspended. He is very much placed outside of the circle of trust.

Drake Maye was sitting on the board at that moment, projected at 321 points, and he went eighteen picks later to Besty. That is a gap of 234 projected points. Mind the gap.

Then at pick 92, Mike took Brandon Aubrey. A Kicker. In round 10. The next Kicker off the board went at 120, so in the twenty-seven picks in between, the rest of us drafted eight receivers, eight running backs, four quarterbacks and four Defences. Nobody was coming for him. Nobody has ever been coming for a Kicker.

In Mike's defence, he was holding a ten week old baby throughout. The baby brain kicked in hard. Not sure anyone has a better excuse for bad decisions than this.

The upside is that it is recoverable. He has two proper quarterbacks, so there is a trade waiting to happen that fixes the Jacobs problem. Back in mid-table mediocrity by Week 5. The roster is fine. The draft was not.

Jen, and the play call

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Six receivers, three running backs, three tight ends, two quarterbacks. No Kicker. No Defence.

Strangely, Jen got better value out of this draft than anyone in the league. She took the best player available every single time she was on the clock, which is exactly what every article ever written about drafting tells you to do.

But. It produced a team that cannot start.

Her bench is worth 1308 projected points, which is 360 more than anyone else in the league and 79 per cent of her own starting lineup. It is also seven players deep, because seven is all she can field. Patrick Mahomes is on it. Not injured, not on bye, just sitting there behind Joe Burrow like a very expensive umbrella. A week on, she has made no waiver moves at all.

Two claims fixes the whole thing. Any Kicker, any Defence. Get it sorted.

The humble brag

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At least one of you is going to look at the projected numbers on the draft page, see 1959 next to Dali's name and decide the season is over before it starts. It's not. Those projections run about 13 per cent hot because they assume every starter plays all 17 weeks, so Dali's 1959 is really about 1730, which would have finished fourth last year.

BUT. Last season this league averaged 1653 PF. One team of ten cleared 1800. And humble brag time, it was me, at 2028 PF. Which was 375 points above the league average and 264 clear of second place. And before you start, Rich, it won me absolutely nothing. I know.

Numbers that have no business being true

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Every single one of the thirty-two NFL clubs had at least one player drafted. One hundred and forty picks, thirty-two clubs, nobody left out. Three separate coaches came away with a Carolina Panther, which is three more Panthers than the situation called for. Seven Rams players went across the league. Go Rams!

Six Jaguars went across the league and Reece took two of them, which is fewer than his reputation demands, but more than the autopick would have liked. His brand is now machine managed.

Only two proper stacks exist and one of them is an accident waiting to happen. Dali has Caleb Williams and Rome Odunze, which is an actual QB and WR stack and suggests he knows what he is doing. Zan has Brock Purdy, Mike Evans and Eddy Pineiro, all Niners, which means one bad afternoon in Santa Clara takes out three of his players simultaneously.

About that.

Thursday night is going to be confusing for Zan

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The season opens on Thursday with the Rams at the 49ers. Thirteen of the 140 players drafted in this league are in that one game and six of us have somebody involved, four with players on both sides.

Then there is Zan, who has four of them. Brock Purdy at quarterback, Mike Evans at receiver and Eddy Pineiro kicking, all San Francisco. And the LA Rams Defence, whose entire job on Thursday night is to stop the other three.

Every yard Purdy throws for comes off his own Defence. Every Pineiro field goal is three points against himself. Zan has spent a whole evening building a machine that is contractually obliged to cancel itself out, live, on the opening night of the season, in front of everyone.

And this is the good bit. When he took that Rams DEF at pick 87, a full fourteen picks before anybody else had the idea, Trevor Lawrence was still on the board. So was Brock Purdy, who Zan then went and drafted twenty-seven picks later anyway. He was so early on a Defence that he ended up owning the quarterback it has to tackle.

The medical department

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All checked this morning, which in this league counts as rigorous.

Josh Downs is out with an ankle. He is Mike's. Of course he is Mike's.

Kyle Pitts is questionable with a hamstring 🤔, which by my reckoning is roughly where he has been since 2022.

George Kittle came off the PUP list and is fine. FINE.

Ashton Jeanty has an ankle sprain and is expected to play. He is my RB1 and I have decided not to think about it.

Mike Evans has a quad and a groin and the highest re-injury flag of anyone in this league. Zan is starting him, next to his quarterback, from the same team, against his own Defence. Sounds fun.

Breece Hall has a groin strain and was moving at three-quarter speed last week. Rich is starting him. Go careful now.

Week 1, match ups

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If you're still with me, then right now every one of us is still undefeated and still convinced we were the clever one. That probably ends Thursday for Zan when his Niner gang folds like the proverbial deckchair.

Reece, thanks for turning up to switch on the Autopicker. It saved us a lot of time and may be your single biggest contribution of the year.

*Never Apologise. Never Explain. Let's Go!*