Week 5

Sp*rs, Sunday

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For once, 'A View from Row Z' is almost a literal description. Rich and I were at Sp*rs Stadium on Sunday for the Eagles v Jags game, sitting in Row 18. Lovely view to see one of the most exciting finishes to a London game! To be fair it was a great day, I am still feeling the effects... was worth it though! Rich managed to find all 4 Chargers fans that entered the stadium, and one of them was sitting right in front of us... what are the chances!

It's Week 5 of 'A View from Row Z', your uninformed take on the various happenings in the Dali's Salvadors Bowl Fantasy League. Jen is still running a perfect record, Andy is still lucky and The Ghost is still nowhere to be seen, apart from in the win column.

First, the Eagles fans. The crowd was what broadcasters politely called "Philly-heavy", and the ones around us were obnoxious from the kick-off to the last, humbling, kick. I should say that there were some lovely travelling Eagles fans in that stadium. Unfortunately, none of them were sat near us.

Twice in the day it was mentioned that Eagles fans once booed Santa. It's true. On 15th December 1968 the Eagles were 2-11, there was snow all over Franklin Field and the hired Santa never turned up. So, the team grabbed a 20-year-old fan called Frank Olivo, put him in the suit and sent him down the pitch at half time. They booed him, then pelted him with snowballs. Is it relevant? Not really, it just illustrates the point that Eagles fans are objectively, the worst. Go birds? Go f*ck yourself...

As for the football, it was relatively subdued for three quarters and then completely mad. Parker Washington scored on fourth and five with 3:20 left, and Cam Little missed the extra point. Jake Elliott kicked the Eagles in front from 48 yards with eight seconds to go, and the row behind us lost what was left of their minds. Ameer Abdullah ran the kick-off back 53 yards to leave one second on the clock. Little's long snapper had gone off injured in the first quarter, so a defensive tackle snapped it, and Little hit the winner from 57 yards as time expired. 19-17. Trevor Lawrence called it "the craziest game I've ever been a part of." The row behind us evaporated like a fart in the wind, which was arguably the best part of the whole afternoon.

You're not getting anything for Christmas.

Everyone had a piece of it

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This league was all over that game. The Ghost's Kicker kicked the winner. The Ghost's Parker Washington scored both Jaguars touchdowns, from The Ghost's bench, while The Ghost was presumably on the telly somewhere in the same building. Reece did message me, so he's alive. Just not alive enough to check his team. Rich started the Jags Defence because he was going to the game, a romantic notion that returned 5.5pts. He also started Will Shipley, whom he'd nicked off me on waivers, and Shipley scored a touchdown right in front of us both. Rich could be heard shouting "Shippers" to anyone that would listen, until Shipley went off injured. We all had a stake in this one except Dali and Zan, who swerved it entirely and posted the two highest scores of the week. Dali was even in the building, working, and came up to our seats to say hello. Not one player on the pitch, mind. Coincidence? Probably.

Top stats, Week 5

Highest scoring team

Dali's Salvadors172.35pts

Lowest scoring team

Guillotine Swordz103.74pts

Highest bench score

Shedeurs Support Group50.48pts

Top rostered player

Jaylen Warren42.8pts

Closest game

Shedeurs Support Group v OnlyRams11.46pts

Biggest blowout

trips right 62 all go v Guillotine Swordz43.56pts

Week 5: Multiple Goregasms - W (132.76) 3-2 // Breece Lightning - L (115.69) 2-3

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The pickup of the week was Mike's. He claimed George Pickens (28.0pts) on Wednesday morning, and on Thursday night Pickens caught nine passes for 130 yards and a touchdown against the Bucs. How did none of us see it? Pickens was on Dali's team until Sunday night, when Dali swapped him for Mark Andrews, the tight end Eric had just thrown away. Dali then cut Andrews on Saturday without ever starting him. The best pickup of the week came off Dali's scrap heap, by way of Eric's. Sharp eyes, Mike.

It still wasn't enough. Mike optimistically sent three Cowboys out on Thursday night: Pickens, Lamb (2.9pts) and Aubrey (5.0pts), and Dallas lost 24-16 at home. Mike made the best decision anyone in this league made all week and he's 2-3 for his trouble.

Besty was never in danger. Drake Maye (39.46pts) was the best quarterback in the league for the second week running, which is not a sentence anyone was writing a fortnight ago, when he was benched for Tommy DeVito. Then there's the tight end. In Week 4 Kyle Pitts sat on Besty's bench while Colston Loveland outscored him, and I wrote "Finally, someone is listening to me." Besty kept listening. Pitts (15.2pts) stayed on the bench and Loveland (3.9pts) started. Stop listening to me, Besty. Nobody else does.

Week 5: Dali's Salvadors - W (172.35) 2-3 // Clapton Catz - L (150.31) 1-4

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Which brings us to the man who released the pickup of the week and then posted the week's highest score. Maybe Dali knows something we don't? He is the man on the inside after all. On Saturday he also dropped Matthew Stafford for Aaron Rodgers (23.0pts), and on Monday night Stafford threw for 383 yards and three touchdowns. I did the same thing in Week 2, so I'm in no position to judge. Drop Stafford and he goes big within days. Is this a trend? Jahmyr Gibbs (37.7pts) and Isaiah Likely (32.4pts) did the heavy lifting. Good effort here.

A week after benching two Bears on a day the Bears won, Dali watched them go to Green Bay and lose 31-7, with every Bear he owns on his bench. Caleb Williams and Kyle Monangai were hurt, and Rome Odunze (4.0pts) just wasn't trusted. Whether that's genius or an accident, I couldn't tell you.

Zan scored 150.31pts, the second highest score of the week, and lost. Against anyone else in the league he'd have won. I said the Lamar-over-Purdy tradition would only end with a bye week. It took an ankle. Lamar was ruled out, Brock Purdy (16.16pts) finally started, and Purdy, Mike Evans (26.3pts) and Eddy Pineiro (6.0pts) went to Seattle and beat Zan's beloved Seahawks 32-29. A week after his own team's Defence beat him playing for Andy, his 49ers beat his Seahawks and he still lost. 1-4. Somebody up there has it in for you, Zan, and for once it isn't me.

I lost to an Allen. I had an Allen. Mine was on the bench.

Week 5: Shedeurs Support Group - W (129.65) 3-2 // OnlyRams - L (118.19) 0-5

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Last Tuesday, I said, "If I can't beat a man whose mind (and input) is clearly elsewhere, I'll hand in the whistle."

The Ghost didn't set a line up. The Ghost hasn't set a line up since 2nd September. Same nine players in the same nine slots for the fifth week running, including Travis Etienne (0.0pts) in the Flex from injured reserve, again. He had the worst efficiency in the league, the most points on the bench, Parker Washington (33.4pts) among them, and he still won.

I went to bed on Sunday night 56.74pts ahead. The Ghost had Josh Allen and Puka Nacua still to play, in the same game, at quarter past one in the morning. I thought I might have enough. I knew deep down I didn't. Allen (30.5pts) ran for 121 yards, Puka (37.7pts) caught 17 passes, the most anyone has ever caught against Buffalo, and the Bills won in overtime. That's the second time this season I've gone to bed winning and woken up losing.

Naturally, I did the maths. If I'd started Braelon Allen (17.6pts) over Ashton Jeanty (10.7pts) and Dalton Schultz (6.0pts) over Harold Fannin (1.4pts), I'd have won by 0.04pts. I lost to an Allen. I had an Allen. Mine was on the bench.

The one bright spot was the Broncos Defence (17.75pts), my waiver pickup, who spent Sunday enjoying the Chargers. The Chargers are still awful. They're 0-5, like me. Jim Harbaugh went for it on fourth and one at his own 41, got stuffed, called it "the wrong decision" and took "100 percent accountability." I hadn't considered accountability as an option. An alien concept I feel. In the press conference I pinned my hopes on the 1992 Chargers, the only team ever to make the play-offs from 0-4. I'm not 0-4 any more. The best finish any team has managed from 0-5 belongs to the 1962 Buffalo Bills, 7-6-1. So, the ceiling is mediocrity.

On reflection, I won't be handing in the whistle. I will take my licks with a stiff upper lip, blaming the fixtures and knowing that I've scored the fifth most points in the league. I'm fine. FINE.

Week 5: trips right 62 all go - W (147.3) 5-0 // Guillotine Swordz - L (103.74) 3-2

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First against second, and it was the biggest blowout of the week. I predicted that with Patrick Mahomes on a bye, Jen would have to start Joe Burrow, and after four weeks of the wrong quarterback, she'd start the right one by accident. She did. Burrow (24.6pts) hauled a decent tally and Jaylen Warren (42.8pts) was the best player in the league. Jen is 5-0 and has scored the most points by a distance. It's looking pretty ominous for the rest of us.

Eric. A fortnight ago you were unbeaten, top of the league and I was telling everyone your secret was to set the line up and go to bed. You've now posted the lowest score in the league two weeks running. This week your line up was 100% efficient. That's the best line up you could possibly have picked, and it was still the lowest score of the week. Dak Prescott (12.64pts) and your Cowboys lost at home on Thursday, the first bad news of a long weekend. You told us how your story always ends, top team all year and out in the first week of the play-offs. You're going off script, Eric.

Week 5: Game Of Throws - W (131.39) 4-1 // A Tadd McShonkey - L (109.4) 2-3

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Andy's quarterback, Tyler Shough, scored -0.16pts. Negative. And yet, somehow, Andy won by 21.99pts. Christian Watson (35.3pts) and Brock Bowers (22.0pts) covered for him. He's 4-1 with the seventh most points in the league. How this is possible is still a mystery to me. Every week, whoever plays Andy picks that week to fall apart. Convenient.

This week the bad week was Rich's. Rich and Eric were the only coaches to pick their perfect line ups, and they both lost. Rich's best possible score was 109.4pts, which is a draft night problem, and Rich was there on draft night. Sam Darnold (8.3pts) went to San Francisco's party in Seattle and didn't contribute. The Jags Defence (5.5pts) was picked for sentimental reasons, and Will Shipley (8.3pts), stolen from me, scored his touchdown in front of the man he was stolen from. Rich, I hope you enjoyed it, but I am not sure it was all worth it.

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Stats from the Overlord

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The headline numbers are below. For the rest, you nerds can head to the insights page. Everyone else, carry on.

Standings

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A look ahead

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Week 6 is 0-5 against 5-0. Me against Jen. So, I will see you next week, 0-6. Elsewhere Andy plays Dali, Rich plays Mike, Eric plays Zan and Besty plays The Ghost.

The Bengals, Lions, Dolphins and Vikings are all on a bye, and Jen is about to find out what that means. She loses Joe Burrow, Justin Jefferson, Amon-Ra St. Brown, Tee Higgins and the Vikings Defence. Some serious surgery for Jen to work on. Mahomes is back, so she does at least have a quarterback. I lose Jared Goff and my Kicker.

The Ghost's Chase Brown is on a bye too. I'll let you guess whether he starts. The Jags are back in London on Sunday, Texans at Wembley this time, so The Ghost will be on the telly again, a few feet from a laptop he won't open. Dali, that's your Texans Defence and Nico Collins in town.

The waiver wire

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According to Sleeper, our available top picks on the waivers include:

Matthew Stafford - QB

Roschon Johnson - RB

Darius Cooper - WR

Brenton Strange - TE

Nick Folk - K

Cleveland Browns - DEF

Matthew Stafford is on the list again, released by me in Week 2 and by Dali on Saturday. He keeps coming back, like a boomerang that throws for 383 yards. Darius Cooper is the Eagles receiver who scored from 62 yards in front of us on Sunday. Rich, if you claim him for sentimental reasons, I will know.

Never Apologise. Never Explain. Let's Go!