Week 4

Sunday, 10pm

I knew the game was up at about 10pm on Sunday night. Teeth brushed, pyjamas on, one last look at the live scoring before bed, and there it was. Mike was out of sight, and I had nothing left to play. 0-4. I want to be clear that this is all part of the plan. A plan as cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University. Yes.

It's Week 4 of 'A View from Row Z', your uninformed take on the various happenings in the Dali's Salvadors Bowl Fantasy League. Jen is running away with it and Eric has found out what losing feels like. Reece is still missing, so let's start with him.

Ghost watch

From this week, until he turns up, Reece is The Ghost.

Last heard from

before the draft

Waiver claims this season

0

Trades

0

Changes to his starting line up since the draft

0

Weeks he has started a player who wasn't playing

3 out of 4

Last confirmed sighting

Instagram, Buenos Aires

Record

2-2

The Ghost has the same fourteen players he drafted on 2 September and the same nine starters in the same nine slots every week. Puka Nacua was inactive in Weeks 2 and 3 and started both. Travis Etienne went on injured reserve on Thursday and started on Sunday. If you made The Ghost play every team every week, he'd be 12-24, the second worst record in the league. He is 2-2. I've made nine moves this season and I'm 0-4. Maybe I should take a leaf out of this playbook and disappear for a few weeks...

Top stats, Week 4

Highest scoring team

trips right 62 all go162.35pts

Lowest scoring team

Guillotine Swordz88.85pts

Highest bench score

Clapton Catz73.22pts

Top rostered player

Tetairoa McMillan44.2pts

Closest game

Shedeurs Support Group v Guillotine Swordz24.67pts

Biggest blowout

trips right 62 all go v Dali's Salvadors38.92pts

The Commissioner's press conference

Tuesday morning, somewhere outside London. The Commissioner took questions from the press...

Matt, you're 0-4. Is the season over?

Never. I'm just getting started. Third highest PF. Massively unlucky with the fixtures. But there's time to turn this ship around. Next question.

Five NFL teams are also 0-4. The Chargers, Dolphins, Texans, Titans and Buccaneers. How does that feel?

Esteemed company. I've been made an honorary member. Unfortunately, no one sends you a badge. Or anything for that matter.

Only one team in NFL history has made the play-offs from 0-4. How do you rate your chances?

The 1992 San Diego Chargers. Bear with me. I've studied their film closely. New coach. Starting quarterback hurt in pre-season. Their fourth straight defeat was 27-0 in Houston, a real pasting. They won 11 of their last 12, took the AFC West and lost a play-off game 31-0 in Miami, which honestly sounds like a lovely season to me. The signs are all there. So, the only positive is coming from the Chargers' historical record... obviously not their current one. It's tenuous, but I'll take it.

All four of your opponents have scored above their own season average against you. Mike was 24.47pts above his. Why?

Respect. Nobody wants to turn up against the Commissioner with anything less than their best. I find it touching, frankly.

Dali went 1-12 in 2024 and won the title the next year. Beating you in the final.

By 1.44pts, yes. There is hope everywhere if you really squint.

You play The Ghost next week.

If I can't beat a man whose mind (and input) is clearly elsewhere, I'll hand in the whistle. That's all. No more questions.

• • •

You don't have an "always" yet.

Week 4: Shedeurs Support Group - W (113.52) 2-2 // Guillotine Swordz - L (88.85) 3-1

Last week I gave you a whole section, Eric. Unbeaten, top of the league, the most points, and a secret: set the line up, leave it alone and go to bed. The American cheat code. You replied at half past midnight, my time.

"Didn't know you had a crush on me. Thanks for the kind words. Ha. I have the least points scored against me so it's been easy so far. This story ends the same way it always does. One of the top teams all year then I lose first week of the playoffs."

A few hours later, Eric put in a waiver claim. Mark Andrews out, Jaylen Wright in. Wright, a Dolphin, scored 0.7pts on the bench, and on Sunday Eric posted the lowest score of the week and lost to a man who hasn't touched his team since the draft. Ja'Marr Chase (5.7pts) spent the afternoon losing to the Jaguars, and the Kicker you took off my waiver list kicked 2.0pts. You must be responsible for your own actions, but this one might have been cursed.

He's right about one thing. He has the lowest PA in the league by a distance, because his first three opponents all scored under 90. This week he met someone who scored 113.52pts without trying, in the most literal sense. As for the story always ending in the first week of the play-offs, Eric, you've been in this league for four weeks. You don't have an "always" yet. But you've written the ending yourself now, so we'll hold you to it.

The Ghost, meanwhile, won. Puka Nacua (27.7pts) finally played, after two weeks of sitting in your line up as a spectator and won you the game on his own. Etienne (0.0pts) took up the Flex from injured reserve. On Sunday you'll be on the telly at Sp*rs, doing your thing for the Jags against the Eagles, fully prepared and across every detail. It would be nice to see that version of you in this league, just once. Somebody should probably set your line up. Because we know you won't.

Week 4: Game Of Throws - W (141.39) 3-1 // Clapton Catz - L (114.78) 1-3

Andy is 3-1, third in the table and seventh for points scored, and for three weeks I've been trying to work out how. Play Andy against every team every week and he'd be 18-18. Exactly average. He's stubbornly in the middle and somehow always up against whoever is having an off week. That's how the 2019/20 champion goes about it, apparently.

This week the help came from Tetairoa McMillan (44.2pts), who caught 14 passes on Sunday night, two of them for touchdowns, all thrown by Bryce Young, the quarterback Dali released on Wednesday. Andy had him tucked away in the Flex. He also had the Seattle Defence (15.25pts), the best in the league.

Zan is a Seahawks fan, so on Sunday he was beaten in part by his own team's Defence, playing for Andy. Zan, I've also noticed that you have finished seventh in the league for points in each of the last three weeks. Seventh, seventh, seventh. You almost have to admire the consistency. And you started Lamar Jackson (18.88pts) ahead of Brock Purdy (20.62pts) for the fourth week running. That's a tradition now, like the King's Speech, and until Lamar has a bye week it's unlikely to change.

Week 4: Breece Lightning - W (139.18) 2-2 // OnlyRams - L (114.03) 0-4

Mike's offer turned up on the trade block out of the blue, with no message attached. Stefon Diggs for Javonte Williams. The only explanation I got was that his team was weak at running back, and he wasn't wrong. Obviously it was a hard no, as most trades in this league are, and I told him to come back with something that included CeeDee Lamb. No response. CeeDee came for me anyway, 41.3pts of him. sigh

For the record, Diggs (8.5pts) caught five passes for 35 yards in London and Javonte Williams (31.3pts) ran in three touchdowns for Dallas, so saying no was the best decision I made all week. It changed nothing. Mike sorted his running backs out with Ollie Gordon (18.0pts), the Dolphin off my waiver list, then picked up the Bears Defence (9.0pts) on Saturday to play his own Jets, who managed 12 points. Mike, I respect it. I don't understand it.

On my side, Rashee Rice (0.0pts) pulled a hamstring against the Raiders with nobody near him, and I finally started Harold Fannin (11.7pts), which was fine. I did the maths and the perfect line up would still have lost by 8.75pts. Funnily enough, the same goes for every losing team this week. Nobody could have turned their bad decisions into a win.

Week 4: Multiple Goregasms - W (145.86) 2-2 // A Tadd McShonkey - L (120.77) 2-2

Rich is hurting. On Sunday he started Sam Darnold (13.32pts), whose whole job that afternoon was to beat the Chargers. He did, and the Chargers are (also) 0-4. Bijan Robinson (30.7pts) went off on Monday night, but Rich needed nearly twice that. Rich set the most efficient line up in the league this week, 96.4% of the best he could have done, and still lost by 25.09pts. He also took Darren Waller (6.6pts) off my waiver list and left him on the bench. No screenshot this week. He probably spent more time worrying about the Strictly presenting line up than his own.

Besty did everything right. Drake Maye (23.16pts), benched by the Patriots for Tommy DeVito a week ago, was the best quarterback in the league, and Besty started him. Kyle Pitts (7.7pts) sat on his bench, and Colston Loveland (11.7pts) outscored him. No Pitts, no excuses. Finally, someone is listening to me. 2-2.

A Bears fan, with two Bears on the bench, on a day the Bears won.

Week 4: trips right 62 all go - W (162.35) 4-0 // Dali's Salvadors - L (123.43) 1-3

Dali spent Sunday at work, at the Colts and the Commanders in London. Before kick-off he told us it was the most difficult game he'd ever worked on. Afterwards, the smoothest. His fantasy team went the other way. The Bears beat the Jets 23-12 and Kyle Monangai (28.0pts) ran the ball 30 times and scored twice, on Dali's bench. Rome Odunze (15.4pts), another Bear, also on Dali's bench. A Bears fan, with two Bears on the bench, on a day the Bears won. The Bears are 3-1. Dali is 1-3. Next week he plays Zan, who is also 1-3, and one of them has to win.

Jen has gone back to her 2021/22 form, and anyone who was around for that will know what's coming. 4-0, the highest score in the league for the second week running, and the best running back of the week in Kyren Williams (36.7pts). She plays Eric next, first against second, in what was meant to be the battle of the unbeatens. Eric had to go and ruin that.

• • •

Stats from the Overlord

The headline numbers are below. For the rest, the nerds can head to the insights page. Everyone else, carry on.

Standings

A look ahead

Week 5 is me against The Ghost. Jen plays Eric, Andy plays Rich, Besty plays Mike and Dali plays Zan. Rich and I are off to the Eagles vs Jags game this weekend. Hopefully another easy weekend for you Dali. If anyone else is there, give us a shout, we are more than happy to drink beer(s).

The Panthers and the Chiefs have the first byes of the season. Andy loses Tetairoa McMillan, Rich loses the Chiefs Defence and Jen loses Patrick Mahomes, so she'll have to start Joe Burrow. After four weeks of the wrong quarterback, she'll start the right one by accident.

The waiver wire

According to Sleeper, our available top picks on the waivers include:

Kirk Cousins - QB

Isaiah Davis - RB

Roman Wilson - WR

Kenyon Sadiq - TE

Spencer Shrader - K

Arizona Cardinals - DEF

Kenyon Sadiq is on the list for the second week running. I put a claim in for him last week and Sleeper rejected it, because I'd tried to fit fifteen players on a fourteen-man roster. Not my finest moment.

Never Apologise. Never Explain. Let's Go!