Week 1

Rhythm and routine

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It's Week 1 of 'A View from Row Z', your uninformed take on the various happenings in the Dali's Salvadors Bowl Fantasy League. One week in and we have a Defence that scored less than nothing, a Kicker who was owned for 22 seconds and a man who left 45 points on his bench and lost by 28.9. As Sean McVay said before flying the Rams 15,000 miles overnight and kicking off eighteen hours after they landed, "The goal for us is to try to keep guys in as close to a rhythm and routine as possible". They scored seven points. None of us know anything. I am simply the one who has to write it down.

Top stats, Week 1

Highest scoring team

A Tadd McShonkey161.36pts

Lowest scoring team

Multiple Goregasms89.87pts

Highest bench score

Dali's Salvadors72.74pts

Top rostered player

Caleb Williams37.26pts

Closest game

Game Of Throws v OnlyRams14.17pts

Biggest blowout

Guillotine Swordz v Multiple Goregasms47.18pts

Ten moves, four cowards

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Ten transactions since the draft closed and six of us made them. Jen went shopping at ten past six on the day of the opener and came back with the Jacksonville Defence, then signed Evan McPherson, then dropped Evan McPherson 22 seconds later for Matt Gay. Dali signed Darren Waller at lunchtime and dropped him at twenty-five to eleven that night for Deebo Samuel, who he then left on the bench. Mike dropped Josh Jacobs. Rich signed a Kicker fifty minutes after the draft began. Besty, Eric, Reece and Zan sat on their hands. Two of them won. Enough waffle, let's go.

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He owned the highest scoring player in football this week and lost by 28.9.

Week 1: A Tadd McShonkey - W (161.36) 1-0 // Dali's Salvadors - L (132.46) 0-1

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Rich, you didn't draft a Kicker. You brought in Tyler Loop from the Ravens, a man whose name sounds like a piece of playground equipment. The Defence you swapped in from Minnesota on the Thursday managed 0.5pts, so your Kicker outscored your Defence and A.J. Brown put together. Top of the league on 161.36pts, most efficient line up at 96.2%, and the highest scoring Kicker in the competition is a man you only signed because you forgot to draft one. "I wouldn't overthink week 1", you said. You did not overthink it. You did not think about it at all. I refuse to accept it.

Dali, you owned the highest scoring player in football this week. Caleb Williams put up 37.26pts in the highest scoring Week 1 game in NFL history, you had three Bears on the roster, and you lost by 28.9pts. Isaiah Likely (26.8pts), Kyle Monangai (23.4pts) and Deebo Samuel (18.0pts) all watched from your bench. Your Houston Defence scored -1.5pts. Negative points. Against Josh Allen, who threw for 324 yards and four touchdowns. I know I said, "I think you'll be fine", but perhaps this Commissioner should shut his mouth in future. Forget the commentator's curse, it's now the Commissioner's curse.

Week 1: Guillotine Swordz - W (137.05) 1-0 // Multiple Goregasms - L (89.87) 0-1

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Eric. Welcome to the league! Surprisingly, or perhaps not given the injury scare, Ja'Marr Chase gave you 3.2pts from the third pick in the draft, and you won by 47.18 anyway. Kenneth Walker (37.1pts) and D'Andre Swift (32.4pts) did the heavy lifting, the Steelers Defence chipped in 22.25pts off the back of a T.J. Watt pick-six, and Cameron Dicker contributed 2.0pts without anybody noticing he was there. You did not make a single roster move all week and you did not need to.

He ran more routes than any other Bear in a 59-point offence and came out of it with nothing.

Besty, this was grim. You started Colston Loveland, who led the Bears in routes run, caught neither of his two targets and finished on 0.0pts in a game where his offence gained 552 yards and scored 59pts. Kyle Pitts (😏) also gave you 0.0pts, from the bench. At least there was consistency. You started Drake Maye (9.82pts, three interceptions) over Jaxson Dart (25.6pts) and you benched Chuba Hubbard (23.7pts). Chris Olave caught ten balls for 182 yards and it bought you nothing. Lowest score of the week, worst efficiency in the league at 72.6%. A tough day at the office, but as Yazz once sang, the only way is up.

1988 music video making at its absolute finest. Too cool not to share.

Week 1: trips right 62 all go - W (157.06) 1-0 // Shedeurs Support Group - L (135.81) 0-1

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Jen, the play call with no Kicker in it finally has a Kicker in it. Hours before the first kickoff you picked up the Jags Defence, then signed Evan McPherson, then binned him 22 seconds later for Matt Gay. The Defence gave you 16.5pts, Gay gave you 10.0pts, and the tight end you released to make room for all of that scored two touchdowns for the Eagles. You also left Patrick Mahomes (21.66pts) on the bench, started Joe Burrow (14.16pts), and put 157.06 on the board regardless. Second highest score in the league, 95.2% efficient, and a roster that had no Kicker and no Defence in it until the day the season started. Infuriating.

Reece, fourth highest score of the week and you lost. That is properly unlucky. Josh Allen gave you 34.66pts. Cam Little of the Jacksonville Jaguars gave you 12.0pts, because of course you needed a Jags good news story in there. Parker Washington, also a Jaguar, scored 19.3pts on your bench while Jordan Addison scored 0.0pts in your starting line up. You were 95.2% efficient too, exactly the same as Jen. So there was nothing here to fix. Sometimes the fixture list just does not like you.

Week 1: Clapton Catz - W (113.56) 1-0 // Breece Lightning - L (95.52) 0-1

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Zan, you posted the eighth best score of the week and won. I guess sometimes the fixture list likes you! Lamar Jackson (24.96pts) and Jonathan Taylor (24.1pts) carried the lion's share. Terry McLaurin gave you 3.4pts, Drake London gave you 5.5pts, and the Rams Defence you spent pick 87 on gave you 1.5pts on its way to losing 27-7 at the Melbourne Cricket Ground. Myles Garrett looked a real threat though right? RIGHT! Brock Purdy (21.1pts) and Mike Evans (16.9pts) sat and watched the whole thing from their deck chairs that did not fold against the Rams.

Mike, you dropped Josh Jacobs on Wednesday morning. Although I am surprised it took you that long to actually do it. The man you replaced him with was MarShawn Lloyd, who I dropped on draft night, and you started him for 3.7pts. Trevor Lawrence (26.1pts) and Stefon Diggs (15.5pts) watched from the bench. Your optimal line up was 111.1pts and Zan scored 113.56pts, so even a perfect Sunday loses you this game. Ninth in the league on points. It is a long season, Michael. Stick with us!

Week 1: Game Of Throws - W (133.66) 1-0 // OnlyRams - L (119.49) 0-1

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Andy, you left 27.2pts on your bench, ran the least efficient line up of any winner at 83.1%, and beat me anyway. Christian Watson scored 35.7pts in a Green Bay shirt while sitting on that bench, the third best individual score of the week, and it counted for nothing. Derrick Henry gave you 35.3pts, 144 yards and three touchdowns, and moved into third on the all-time touchdown list. Juwan Johnson, a tight end you signed at ten past nine on Wednesday night, gave you 14.4pts and started ahead of Brock Bowers, who had a meniscus trimmed in Dallas on the Tuesday and scored 0.0pts. Every decision you got wrong came good. Well done.

I ran a line up ten percentage points more efficient than the man who beat me. Sadly, it made no difference. Ashton Jeanty (32.7pts), Jaxon Smith-Njigba (26.2pts) and Javonte Williams (24.2pts) all turned up. Jaylen Waddle and Harrison Mevis combined for an eye-opening 2.2pts between them. Two starting slots, 2.2pts, beaten by 14.17pts. My own Rams Kicker gave me 1.0pt, which is one extra point, because the Rams scored one touchdown and never came back for another. I picked him in the 13th round on purpose. 0-1, and no excuses available. Let's see what the waivers can bring.

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The medical department

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No I have not seen the scans and no I am not qualified to read them.

A.J. Brown has a high ankle sprain and is on injured reserve, with about six weeks on the estimate. He is Rich's third-round pick. Zay Flowers has re-aggravated the hamstring and may miss time. He is also Rich's, and he put up 29.0pts on his way out of the door. The man who topped the league this week may have done it while losing his highest drafted receiver and his highest scoring one.

Brock Bowers had a meniscus trim on the Tuesday in Dallas and is expected to miss a game or two. The injury happened in training camp and was only diagnosed last week. Reassuring. He is Andy's.

De'Zhaun Stribling has a sprained deltoid and an ankle problem and is out for at least a month. Also Andy's, a 12th-round rookie, and his absence is why Deebo Samuel is suddenly the waiver target of the week. Deebo is Dali's. Dali benched him.

Ladd McConkey took a hit to the chest and ribs in the third quarter and did not return. That is three injuries for Andy to navigate. Jen will be looking forward to their matchup in Week 2.

Ja'Kobi Lane has fractured a wrist and will be out several weeks. All yours, Dali.

Sam Darnold went down with a hip five plays into the opener. That is Jaxon Smith-Njigba's quarterback, so it is my problem. Kyler Murray is in concussion protocol, so unless Carson Wentz can hold himself up for another game, that could be an issue for Jen and Reece.

Get well soon, most of you.

Numbers that have no business being true

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Benches across this league produced 498.6pts in Week 1. The ten starting line ups produced 1,275.84pts. That is nearly four entire teams' worth of scoring left in the dressing room.

Dali's Houston Defence scored -1.5pts. An empty Defence slot scores zero, so he would have been better off leaving it blank.

The Rams left Los Angeles at ten at night, flew sixteen hours, landed in Melbourne on the Thursday, held one practice and kicked off eighteen hours later, the entire plan being to keep everybody on Pacific time. San Francisco flew out a full week early and talked to sleep scientists first. It finished 27-7. Which means that usually the scientists know best.

Jaylen Waddle and Harrison Mevis gave me 2.2pts from two starting slots. Waddle was a fifth-round pick. So that's probably something I need to work on.

The Bears beat the Panthers 59-37, the highest scoring Week 1 game in NFL history at 96pts, and four of us had a starter in it. The tight end who ran the most routes for the winning side came out of it with 0.0pts and he was in Besty's starting line up.

Four coaches made no roster moves at all. Two of them won, one of them posted the fourth highest score in the league and lost anyway, and one of them is bottom. Draw whatever conclusion you like from that, it will be the wrong one.

Five coaches lost this week and only one of them lost a game he could have won.

The optimal lineup hall of shame

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Five coaches lost this week and only one of them lost a game he could have won. Dali's optimal line up was 177.86pts. Rich scored 161.36pts. Start Isaiah Likely, Kyle Monangai and Deebo Samuel instead of Sam LaPorta, George Pickens and Rome Odunze and he wins the game and we are all reading a very different post this morning. He left 45.4pts on the bench, the most in the league, and lost by 28.9pts.

The other four of us were beaten properly. Besty's best possible score was 123.75pts and Eric scored 137.05pts. Mike could have reached 111.1pts, and Zan got 113.56pts. Reece topped out at 142.71pts against Jen's 157.06pts. My ceiling was 128.09pts and Andy put up 133.66pts. All four of us could have picked the perfect nine on Tuesday morning with full hindsight and a lie detector and still lost.

Special mention to Andy, who benched the third highest scorer in the league, won anyway and has learned nothing. Do not take a lesson from Andy. There isn't one in there.

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Stats from the Overlord

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Standings

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A look ahead

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Week 2 gives us Eric against Rich, the two highest scorers of the week and the only fixture that really matters. Dali plays Mike in the basement, where one of them has to win and neither of them has earned it. I get Besty. If I cannot beat the lowest score in the league I will have some thinking to do. Jen plays Andy, so the second highest score in the league gets the luckiest man in it.

In the real world, Thursday night is Detroit at Buffalo, so my quarterback and Dali's running back against Reece's quarterback and Besty's.

The waiver wire

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According to Sleeper, our available top picks on the waivers include:

Jordan Love - QB

Rachaad White - RB

Jalen Coker - WR

Hunter Henry - TE

Trey Smack - K

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - DEF

On a side note, Devaughn Vele has been added 1.75 million times in the last 48 hours. Nobody in this league has gone near him.

Never Apologise. Never Explain. Let's Go!